“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new." (Revelation 21:4-5a)
"To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified." (Isaiah 61:3) Beginning To Thaw I don’t want to be here It’s happened way too much My losses have been stacking Like a fortress made of cups One on top of the other No time to sort them out Sometimes I want to cry aloud Sometimes I want to shout I’ve walled it out like a shield I’ve walled it in like a tomb All the pain, the grief, the unrest The flowers of loss in full bloom So today He came knocking Today through the words in a book He grabbed the branches of my loss And with all His might He shook The leaves of my soul began falling The loss became increasingly raw The cold, barren places within me At last were beginning to thaw "How could he have done that? Why did she have to die? Why wouldn’t she forgive me? Why did he have to lie? Why didn’t they love me? What does all of this mean? How could I be so foolish as to let my heart be seen?" Each loss has been diminishing Part of my soul has been shut off Each one a nick that’s still bleeding Soul death the precipitous cost I’ve been cowering alone here Crushed under the intense weight Tears like rivers they are falling The refreshing streams of grace “Come here, my daughter Open your soul to me Give me all your losses And I will set you free I’ve seen each tear you’ve cried I’ve held you as you’ve bled Those losses cannot stop my plan I know how to raise the dead Let me hold you, let me in Let me wash each precious wound You’re not meant to die here Although your loss feels like a tomb I’ve walked the path of loss I know the ways of pain Let my love for you caress you Like a gentle summer rain I will restore all things Your loss is not the end I give beauty for the ashes my child, my daughter, my friend This world bombards the soul With loss, with ache, with death But I have overcome the world Let go, and I will give you breath…" In just the past three and a half years, I have lost lost my dog, and six people to death: my dad, friends, and people who had the ability to make me feel like I'd known them forever in just an instant of time. I have lost two people to he whose sole (and soul) purpose is to "steal, kill, and destroy," and one person I lost to darkness so deep it outshined the light of truth. (John 10:10) John Eldredge in his book, Get Your Life Back says this about stacked up grief/loss, "What's available in us is lessened through our losses." With each new loss, something is etched away of trust and hope, and the etching of fear replaces it. We become guarded, even with God. So, as I picked up his book last week and began to read Chapter 10, God arrested my attention with the weight of all my stacked up grief. In H Is For Hawk, Helen Macdonald says this of grief after losing her father, "And for the first time I understood the shape of my grief. I could feel exactly how big it was. It was the strangest feeling, like holding something the size of a mountain in my arms." Grief/Loss: Allow yourself to feel it. Don’t lessen it, make light of it, deny it, or drown in it. Don’t set deadlines for its departure. Don’t get stuck in the stages. Don’t reach for distraction. Don’t stop forward progress. Don’t allow life to run over your grief—take time to unpack and unload it. Don’t feel guilty when it starts to not hurt as much as before. Choose to live despite the loss. Trust the Lord in the loss. Ask Him to allow the loss to work through you to help others. Walk through the valley of the shadow of death…if we stop, we stagnate. (Psalm 23) Know that you are not alone in your loss. Life is fast…grief is slow. Allow your soul to remain in the land of the living, for the dead cannot live again, except in our memory, until we embrace them in the presence of God when we are all truly home, and all things are made new. Let your grief flow from loss to love—where the ache shifts from missing them deeply to longing to love them and remember them with joy that you knew them and were known by them. Be brave in your grief by allowing yourself to be weak in it. Be courageous in the Lord and His ability to carry you through your loss. Remember that He is still good, even when bad things happen. There will never be a time when you will lose Him, nor will there ever be a time when He will lose you. Our journey here is not easy—but anything worthwhile never is. Don’t quit—Ever, for someday all of this pain will be turned into joy unspeakable and full of glory… (1 Peter 1:8) Let Him in. Cling to Him. Don’t let go. You are loved so much more than you know… “Father show them Your heart, here and now, in whatever loss they may find themselves in at this moment: the loss of a loved one; a parent, a spouse, a sister, a brother, a child, a friend. The loss of a dream, the loss of a job, the loss of their health, the loss of a partner, the loss of the path that they were so sure they knew…comfort them, God of all comfort. Caress the hurting places with Your love and care. Heal them. Mend. Restore. Carry. Breathe into them I pray, in the mighty wonderful name of Jesus Christ. Amen” Written by Anne Marie Hawke July 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to find out more about my writing please visit my website at hawkewriter.com
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Psalm 27:14
“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” Psalm 37:7 “Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him: do not fret yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.” Psalm 46:10a “Be still and know that I am God;” Forced Stillness Aloft on the wings of an unwritten promise I hit the glass believing it was open air A collision with something harsh and real Plummeted my heart into strangling despair I descended to the ground stunned, motionless Bearings lost, heart muddled, a tiny broken mess I willed with all my might to rise But I was forced to stillness, forced to rest The minutes passed like eternities drifting by I struggled longingly but could only be still I felt I was dying inside myself But perhaps what was dying was my self-will Something was happening within my heart As I lay there unable to move a whit A quietness embraced my soul in surrender As a knowing fire within me lit I cascaded into the darkness without a fight I felt arms of grace gently envelope me Wrapped in a holy hug that would not relent As my tears flowed unhindered and free This forced stillness was bringing change Life began to flow through, over, and in Still unable to move in outward appearance But more alive inside than I’ve ever been Perhaps there is life in the crushing? Perhaps quiet is more powerful than noise? Perhaps all my flying, striving, and doing Had left my soul barren, estranged, devoid? I felt one wing begin to quicken, to move Then the other began to make its response My stillness was ending so it would seem But the lesson learned was deeply ensconced When what I thought was reality Brought me crashing to the ground In the stillness I discovered a secret: Waiting is not a lack of action It’s where real growth abounds So if in the cocoon you find yourself If you feel bound up in your wait Know that the darkness and waiting Are what cause a beautiful butterfly to wake… We don’t want to wait, rest, be still. I don’t want to wait, rest, be still. But much of the life and growth of a believer is forged in the furnace of waiting, resting, and being still. Two weeks ago I hit a glass window, not literally, but figuratively. I was left stunned, crumpled, my wings would no longer work. Along the way, in other crumpled places, I have learned to persevere in pain, to meld into it rather than fight against it. To rest, to be still, to wait on God. My response so often in the past was to run, to medicate, to hide, or to simply go numb when painful events happened. Now I’m beginning to see the value of just ‘being’ in them, feeling all there is to feel, because I’m in pursuit of Him, of His heart, of the growth I now know He wants to infuse into me amidst my pain. In Hope For The Flowers by Trina Paulus a young caterpillar named Yellow asks an older caterpillar, “How does one become a butterfly?” He answers, “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” “You mean to die?” asks Yellow, remembering the three who fell out of the sky. “Yes and No,” he answers. “What looks like you will die but what’s really you will still live. Life is changed, not taken away. Isn’t that different from those who die without ever becoming butterflies?” So, I’m in the cocoon. It’s dark in here and there is not much room to maneuver. But if I try to come out too soon, or if someone else tries to ‘help’ me out too soon, my wings won’t work and I will never know what it is to fly. My stillness may have been forced but the end result will be glorious if I simply trust the one who makes the cocoon, is also the one who breaks the cocoon open in his perfect timing so that a gorgeous butterfly can emerge. Are you waiting for something? Are you being forced to stillness, forced to rest? Don’t fight it. Don’t even try to figure it out. Be in it. Let Him do His work in your life and heart. Trust the process. Trust Him. I promise—it’s worth the wait…"Life is changed, not taken away." Written by Anne Marie Hawke June 2021 A special thank you to my friend Debbie, who gave me a copy of When The Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd right when I needed it most! To subscribe to my blog or to find out more about my writing please visit my website at hawkewriter.com “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)
“But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.” (Hebrews 11:6) Believing I stood there with a thousand keys and tried them one by one. The door was immense and looked as if it possibly weighed a ton. I had stood here several times before concerning the same desperate need. But weakness and self-deprecating thoughts kept me from reprieve. “Why do you keep trying? Can’t you see you look like a fool? None of those keys is going to work, even if you now have the proper tools.” Thoughts as scoffers came launching doubt with growing glee, but something had been resolved in the deepest part of me. Demons now spoke in hissing tones; ”You should surely quit now. You will never breach that door. You are nothing, unworthy, you will fail as you did before!" I knew it wouldn't be easy, nothing worthwhile ever is, as I looked up to the heavens, and firmly fixed my eyes on His. I had made it to five hundred, now halfway through the keys. Just then a quiet, persistent voice was heard beckoning me; “Don’t quit, you will get there, when your faith becomes increasingly loud. You are not alone in this, I am here and I am proud." I reached for another key and shut out all other noise. I needed a breakthrough and this was my only choice. Conviction rose within me as I spoke the words aloud, “I will not give up!!!!!!!" I turned key seven hundred fifty, still nothing, yet I kept drinking from the Cup. My hands and heart they hurt now, yet I chose to not give in. Anything worth having is a thing for which you should persist and win. Key nine hundred now, only one hundred left to go! My anticipation began to mount and steadfastly grow. My pace had begun to quicken, I would have what I had sought. Behind this enormous door, the answer to all that life had wrought. My heart within me pounded, my pulse I could hear. Key nine hundred fifty-six, then suddenly everything became unclear? Doubt and fear flooded in again, a deluge threatening to drown. I reached for the next key but it was so heavy, it pulled me to the ground. My breath quickened and my throat was enclosed by familiar hands. “Do you really think I’d let you win? You will die here where you stand!” Despite the growing terror, I knelt down before the door. I yielded in submission to my Savior and my Lord. I felt Fear’s breath upon my neck, but I remained where I had kneeled. “All I am is Yours Lord, help me to persist despite what I feel.” A renewed strength coursed through me, I felt Fear release his grip. I placed another key within the door, turned it, and felt the lock slip. This was the key to freedom from all which had so plagued my history. I pushed the door with all my might, and again fell to my knees. Light engulfed my weary soul, I was lifted from the place I knelt. I drifted over the threshold and joy was now all I felt. “Well done child,” He said proudly, "This is where you were meant to be, for faith is not seeing before believing, rather it is believing until you see.” "The fight of faith is not easy, many there are who give up. As you've tasted, there are a lot of dregs inside the Cup. When things are hardest and the answer seems far away, hold fast, cling to Me, and believe for what you pray... Right now I am standing in faith for many things in the lives of others and in my own life. These are unprecedented times we are living in and I believe it is time to "lay aside every weight, and the sin which does so easily beset us, and to run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1b-2) Whatever you are currently believing God for, press in, press on, don't quit. His word is true, He is good, He does not lie, and He cannot fail! Father I pray that you would stir the faith of all Your saints everywhere throughout the world. I pray that we would keep our eyes fixed on You and not on the many distractions and divisions here on the earth. I pray for each individual who reads these words that You would heal, deliver, save, restore, comfort, mend, and align them with Your will and Your purpose for their lives. I pray protection over them. I pray they would surrender to You and to Your precious Son and to Your amazing Holy Spirit. I pray they would gain a new hunger for Your word, a new passion for Your heart, and a new anointing of Your presence. I pray Your life over them and in them. And I pray You would bring us together, that You would unite us as one as You are One. Thank you Abba, I believe You fiercely for all I have just prayed. In Jesus' name, Amen. Written by Anne Marie Hawke May 2021 To subscribe to my blog, or to find out more about my writing please visit my website at hawkewriter.com “Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him,and he with Me.” Revelation 3:20 NKJV)
Stealing Away Calling out across the vast expanse Like waves gently caressing the shore A stirring, a whisper, a vapor of hope You come, You wait, You stand at the door The ache is constant, won’t relent Longing for resolution, a quiet peace No way through it, no way around A refuge, a home, my heart seeks A touch slides across my skin A caress reaches deep into my soul An embrace sinks into my heart Surrounds, pulls, takes control All within me wants to resist A fortress, a bastion, all on my own Fear of a caged animal, ferocious, bereft What is this presence, like nothing I’ve known? Tears flow uninvited down my cheeks I stand here shaking, completely undone Warm liquid love breaks in, uncompromising Intimacy unparalleled, we become one Why do we war against You, weapons in hand? Why do we think we know what to do? Why do we run full-on the other way? When what we need is found only in You Forgive us Lord, our foolish, arrogant pride Forgive us for warring against our own flesh Forgive us for hiding, for stealing away For yielding to all that only brings death Your love is a bulwark from all that’s without Your love is a shelter from war raging within Your love is vital, magnificent, all-encompassing Your love is the end to all we begin…. It’s easier to keep the door to our heart shut. It’s easier to steal away, to hide behind the door of pride, the door of fear, the door of self-will, the door of unforgiveness, the door of shame, the door of isolation. Jesus is standing outside the door of your heart, knocking, inviting, waiting, imploring. Can you hear Him? He wants to dine with you, to enjoy your company, to enjoy the fullness of who you are. He wants to “prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies,” so that He might let them know that you won’t be partaking of their meals anymore.(Psalm 23:5) Meals of doubt, cowardice, anger, deception, betrayal, fear, pain, loss, and helpings of soul crushing despair. The ‘bread of life’ wants to be your sustenance, your very life.(John 6:35) But a person standing on your porch knocking is not a guest, until you open the door and let them in. What doors of your heart have you sealed shut, while Jesus stands on the porch as if He’s an interloper, an unwanted guest? Pray with me: Father, today may I swing open the door of my heart wide, may I let you in every room, and sit down with you to a meal You have prepared for me. May I allow myself to be vulnerable. May I allow myself to let my guard down. May I allow You to flood over me in deep, penetrating intimacy. May I allow You to heal my heart, to heal my mind, to heal my soul. May I allow You to truly be Lord of my life in every place. Let it be so sweet Jesus…I pray and believe in Jesus’ mighty, matchless name… Written by Anne Marie Hawke May 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to find oui more about my writing please visit my website at hawkewriter.com. “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” (Revelation 3:15-16 NIV)
The Middle The middle of the road is not a good place to be In the middle of a storm a ship is lost at sea In the middle of a story it’s hard to see the way In the middle of decision I often run away In the middle of a tempest the heart is left in fear In the middle of a song the end will soon be near In the middle of recovery it’s hard to see the light In the middle of disagreement I often lose my sight The middle of the ocean is a long way from shore The middle of a dark alley is a long way from your door In the middle of a conversation the outcome is unknown This middle ground I’ve fallen in love with, holds a high cost to my soul… Salvation is transformation. It’s leaving the path of all we used to be, to walk the path where the road narrows into a single small purposeful journey. Middle ground is the space between who we were without Christ, and what we can become with Him. It’s the hovering between all of the things you ‘loved’ about your old life while feeling the pull, the weight of the unknown, new life of walking in the Spirit. The middle is a dangerous place to dwell. It’s alluring because it does not require transformation, the only thing required in the middle is apathy; the place where all passions affecting conduct are regarded as unreasonable. There is a lack of desire for change. Comfort takes the place of cataclysm; the violent upheaval of heart that brings about a fundamental change. You can be saved in the sense of knowing Christ Jesus died for you and rose again, without embarking on the necessary and hard won journey of transformation that Jesus secured through His death, burial and resurrection. You see, He didn’t die for you so that you could live unchanged, lounging in the middle ground, not acknowledging the price He paid to liberate you, to give you a new life, a new heart, and a forever changed soul. Are you lukewarm? Standing in the middle of the road, neither cold in rejecting Him altogether, nor hot in full surrender? What is it you think you will lose by forfeiting your life to the One who overcame death? “Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:39 NRSV) Listen to Romans 6:1-4, “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning (standing in the middle of the road) so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? (How can we hang out where we weren’t meant to be?) Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” (Additional wording in parentheses added) I encourage you to start stepping out of the middle of the road…it’s so easy to get side swiped by fear, to be run over by addictions, to be a deer in the headlights as loss clouds your vision and stalks your emotional life, to be overtaken by the traffic of anger, confusion, worry, chaos, apathy, deception, and ease. Trust Him and with each step you will get warmer and warmer as the heat of His love forever holds you and brings you home… Written by Anne Marie Hawke April 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to discover more about my writing, please visit my website at hawkewriter.com “And, You, Lord, in the beginning have laid the foundation of the earth; and the heavens are the work of Your hands: they will perish; but You remain…” (Hebrews 1:10-11a)
YOU REMAIN You remain. You are constant. You are unchanging. You are ever present. There is nowhere that I am that You are not. You never leave. You are always. You are in this moment. You abide. You are here. You are now. You are. You surround. You fill. You hold. You envelope. You protect. You heal. You guard. You breathe. You pursue. You touch. You whisper. You wait. You love. You nurture. You discipline. You provide. You understand. You know. You hear. You see. You teach. You train. You build. You tear down. You restore. You strengthen. You mend. You cover. You move. You stand. You cherish. You mold. You grow. You remove. You plant. You sow. You reap. You harvest. You plan. You purpose. You reign. You rule. You rescue. You regard. You reserve. You dwell. You deliver. You declare. You divide. You separate. You conquer. You crush. You suspend. You lift. You uphold. You delight. You enjoy. You laugh. You cry. You feel. You create. You promote. You persist. You enlighten. You unearth. You caress. You acquire. You inundate. You overwhelm. You wash. You weave. You redeem. You atone. You save. You secure. You purify. You pronounce. You manifest. You reveal. You captivate. You command. You care. You come. You engage. You anoint. You overcome. You mend. You make. You remain. You are constant. You are unchanging. You are ever present. There is nowhere that I am that You are not. You never leave. You are always. You are in this moment. You abide. You are here. You are now. You are. Father, You are everything. In any and every moment You are what we need. In the seas of sorrow, surrounded by sickness, covered in chaos, drowning in depression, anchored in anger, unclothed in uncertainty, wavering in our wandering; You are what we need. I come humbly to ask boldy that You move in the hearts and lives of all those I love and care for…bring You into every situation and circumstance, turn defeat into triumph, death into life, division into unity, hate into love, sickness into health, loss into fullness, lies into truth. We need You Lord Jesus, in the earth in this moment, in this hour, in this day, and in all the days to come. Give us eyes to see You, ears to hear You, and hearts to truly know You. May we not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. May we shine as lights on the earth in this hour. May our focus and attention be on You. May we walk by faith and not by sight. May we trust You with everything always. May we love unswervingly. Give aboundingly. And glorify Your name resoundingly. In all these things I pray, I trust You, believe You, and yield to You in all of Your marvelous, matchless beauty, mercy, grace, truth, and strength. Amen. Written by Anne Marie Hawke April 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to learn more about my writing please visit my website at hawkewriter.com “Behold all you who kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that you have kindled. This you will have of my hand; you will lie down in sorrow.” (Isaiah 50:11)
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..." (Isaiah 61:3) Spark I gathered sticks of self will I gathered sticks of pride I gathered sticks of guilt and shame I piled them high and wide One hand held the desire to please The other held all my deep pain I rubbed them together with all my might Until a spark ignited the waiting flame The fire went up to the farthest sky The fire warmed my outward show The fire consumed my every thought Emitting sparks as the flames did grow There was the spark of my ego There was the spark of my sin There was the spark of my darkness All calloused and cold within External warmth cannot satisfy It pleads to be brought inside But the sparks of the fire I made Mocked me and caused me to hide Here in the gathering embers Here in the destruction immense The strange fire began to die Ashes were all that was left All was ravening darkness No light, no fire, just me The silence left a gaping hole Where my heart used to be “Give Me the ashes, child Remnant of all that remains Watch the fire I give to you Bring beauty from the same” I held the gray powdery death My hands trembling under its weight A spark of pure holiness caught fire Engulfing the ashes I had made “No true light exists without Me All your fires will fade away But the fire I give graciously Forever warms and lights your way” “Here is the stick of my forgiveness Here is the stick of my grace Here is the stick of my mercy Here is the fire I have made” “Dwell in My sacred presence Dwell in the midst of My flame Here there are never ashes Only the glory of My name…” Written by Anne Marie Hawke March 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to find out more about my writing, please visit my website at hawkewriter.com If you like what you read, please share it! “But there is nothing covered, that will not be revealed; neither hid, that will not be known.” (Luke 12:2)
“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man has found, he hides and for joy thereof goes and sells all that he has, and buys that field.” (Matthew 13:44) Things Are Not As They Seem What is this thing I am feeling? This dissonance crashing in slow This Holy unsettled unknown Beckoning surrender and growth What is this thing I am feeling? This metaphor having no end This spirit cleansing chaos The truth with no defense What is this thing I am feeling? What is up is all coming down The pieces of the sky I made All scattered on the ground What is this thing I am feeling? I am questioning all I see Closing my eyes to find myself Not sure of who is really me What is this thing I am feeling? Nowhere seems to be secure Everything I thought I knew Far away, reticent, so unsure What is this thing I am feeling? This uncomfortable sobering place I get down on my knees Hoping to glimpse Jesus’ face What is this thing I am feeling? Like a waking tangled dream I open my mouth to speak Revealing an internal scream What is this thing I am feeling? Like coming fully alive His voice stirs within me From my lips an ethereal cry “All that you are feeling It’s Spirit touching flesh It’s Light touching darkness It’s Life touching death You, my child, are Holy Made for something more All this soul unrest you feel It’s but the first of many doors What is seen is not the truth It’s all that’s hidden underneath All this tumult, chaos, despair Vanquished in beautiful peace Hold to what is Holy Hold to what is right and true You are not alone in this battle Many others feel just as you The time is growing shorter The enemy will take his stand I will uphold and sustain you For I am the great “I AM.” I am the Lord, there is none else The Beginning and the End I am the First and the Last I will conquer and defend The days will get darker yet My plan must be fulfilled All these things must come to pass For my glory and my will So cleave to me my daughter Cleave to me my son Stay under my sheltering wings Till all these things be done…” Written by Anne Marie Hawke February 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to find out more about my writing, please visit my website at hawkewriter.com “Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way, which he has consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; and having an high priest over the house of God; let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) and let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works…” (Hebrews 10:19-24)
I have a journal I write in nearly every day: poetry, prayers, ponderances. On one page in my new journal for this year, I had torn out a corner of one of the pages to write some important piece of information. When I came to that page (because who tears a piece of their journal paper from the beginning of the journal? :) the following flowed out around the torn bit: Like a tear in this paper fear had left its mark, underlying anger creeping in the dark—anger at what could have been, at what never was, at what was taken, ripped away much like the tear above. Anger at my insidious doubt, anger at the fears still within, anger at death stealing life, anger at all I didn’t win. Anger at lies believed, at the deception of the tongue, at words with no actions, at bad choices, at things I’ve done. Like a tear in this paper suddenly they were removed; the anger, fear, pain, taken—buried in the tomb. Oftentimes tearing is both a loss and a gain, it’s the joy that comes from knowing there is beauty birthed in pain. The paper may have a hole, a place that seems like loss, but what if the paper is more because of what it cost? Yes I may not be able to write there, no ink will fill the space, but perhaps the tear says more, perhaps it speaks of grace. There is grace in what was taken, grace in what remains. The rough edges of the tear mark what mere words cannot contain. Look into the gaping hole and see it’s actually quite full, of the many things that love and grace produce and pull. Mountains of guilt and shame, rivers of sorrow deep, pulled away with one swift tear, given to mercies keep. So, don’t see this page as broken, see it as a unique whole, much as a torn person is still a uniquely beautiful soul. The tears make us stronger, things taken make room for more; where there is a window one can surely make a door. The next time you make a tear in a paper or a life, know that grace is present like the precious blood of Christ… Written by Anne Marie Hawke February 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to find out more about my writing, please visit my website at hawkewriter.com. If you like what you have read, please share it! “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your hearts before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.” (Psalm 62:5-8 KJV)
SAFE I want to be safe Like a child held close Like a city hemmed in Like deep love cloaks I want to be safe Behind and before To the left and the right A guard at my door I want to be safe Peace like a river Breath exhaled gently Like a captive delivered I want to be safe Open, vulnerable, sure Accepted, loved, cherished More than just endured I want to be safe Fear unhinged, set aside In your heart, in your arms Let me forever abide I want to be safe Unfettered, strong, free Where I am enough Where I can simply be me I want to be safe No lock on the door No bolts, no alarms My heart becoming more I want to be safe To feel like I’m home To abide in tranquility To finally be known… I have never felt safe in love, never felt securely held. There was always the fear of being dropped, of dangling over the precipice of love’s antithesis, threatened rather than embraced. For years I sought out my own brand of ‘safe’ love; in someone already taken, in bruises and mocking, in the silence and unrelenting fury of a black heart, in cloaking myself in lesser filth in hopes no one would notice how filthy I really was. What I thought was safe was really only an apparition, a false comfortable lie. I was so afraid of being clean, of being known, of being seen. Yet I craved it so, deep in the cavernous void it whispered, “this is not all there is.” And isn’t it what we all crave and yet are so afraid of? To stand unashamedly naked before your beloved; your scars, and skin, and the very sinew of your soul exposed, yet somehow covered? Is it not to be who we truly are, to be beautifully vulnerable, to be known by another, to be fully taken in, engulfed in the glimmering glory of their steadfast love of you? Is it not to have them place their hand and their heart on your places of pain, and find they soothe you rather than make manifest your weaknesses? Is it not to find someone who traces the fragile lines of your heart with their finger, not to probe or harm, but to caress with velvet compassion and sincerity? Is it not to have them pierce you through with tenderness that purges out the remnants of insecurity? This is the safety I want. I want to be safe in a way that is wild and dangerous, like a great beast about to devour me whole. I want to risk me as I stand before you, knowing you could dash me to pieces, but wanting the safety of your arms more. I want the safety and sobriety of desperate passion-born intimacy, the clinging need for more and more of you for more and more of me. I want the exchange of minds, and hearts, and souls, and spirits that stretches far beyond reason. I want the safety of a death that bursts forth into magnificent life. I want the safety of inseparable oneness. All of this and more I have found and am finding in Christ Jesus. He is the answer to that ache we all feel…when you haven’t found the safety of real love in another, when what you thought is not how it is, when what you see betrays the trust your heart longs for, when you open up, lay yourself out there and they leave anyway, when it doesn’t make sense, when they die, when they lie, when it hurts more than you can bear…He is your safety, He is your refuge, He is forever and always holding you and He won’t let go…not ever. Are you safe? Safe in His heart, safe in His care, safe in His grace, safe in His mercy, safe in His arms, safe in intimate union with Him? He is the only place of real safety. Embrace Him as He embraces you and know what it is to be truly, wonderfully, forever safe… Written by Anne Marie Hawke January 2021 To subscribe to my blog or to find out more about my writing, please visit my website and hawkewriter.com |
qUIET IN CHAOSQuiet in Chaos is a blog about nothing, everything, and all things inbetween…it’s a space, an ellipsis, a deep pause. Life can be chaotic, and often needs more moments of quiet…So join me as I share and give through the written word, the place I find my Quiet in Chaos… Archives
February 2022
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