Forced Stillness

Psalm 27:14
“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

Psalm 37:7
“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him: do not fret yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.”

Psalm 46:10a
“Be still and know that I am God;”


 
                                                                    Forced Stillness
 
Aloft on the wings of an unwritten promise
I hit the glass believing it was open air
A collision with something harsh and real
Plummeted my heart into strangling despair
 
I descended to the ground stunned, motionless
Bearings lost, heart muddled, a tiny broken mess
I willed with all my might to rise
But I was forced to stillness, forced to rest
 
The minutes passed like eternities drifting by
I struggled longingly but could only be still
I felt I was dying inside myself
But perhaps what was dying was my self-will
 
Something was happening within my heart
As I lay there unable to move a whit
A quietness embraced my soul in surrender
As a knowing fire within me lit

I cascaded into the darkness without a fight
I felt arms of grace gently envelope me
Wrapped in a holy hug that would not relent
As my tears flowed unhindered and free
 
This forced stillness was bringing change
Life began to flow through, over, and in
Still unable to move in outward appearance
But more alive inside than I’ve ever been
 
Perhaps there is life in the crushing?
Perhaps quiet is more powerful than noise?
Perhaps all my flying, striving, and doing
Had left my soul barren, estranged, devoid?
 
I felt one wing begin to quicken, to move
Then the other began to make its response
My stillness was ending so it would seem
But the lesson learned was deeply ensconced
 
When what I thought was reality
Brought me crashing to the ground
In the stillness I discovered a secret:
Waiting is not a lack of action
It’s where real growth abounds
 
So if in the cocoon you find yourself
If you feel bound up in your wait
Know that the darkness and waiting
Are what cause a beautiful butterfly to wake…
 
 
We don’t want to wait, rest, be still. I don’t want to wait, rest, be still.  But much of the life and growth of a believer is forged in the furnace of waiting, resting, and being still.  Two weeks ago I hit a glass window, not literally, but figuratively.  I was left stunned, crumpled, my wings would no longer work.  Along the way, in other crumpled places, I have learned to persevere in pain, to meld into it rather than fight against it.  To rest, to be still, to wait on God.  My response so often in the past was to run, to medicate, to hide, or to simply go numb when painful events happened.  Now I’m beginning to see the value of just ‘being’ in them, feeling all there is to feel, because I’m in pursuit of Him, of His heart, of the growth I now know He wants to infuse into me amidst my pain. 

In Hope For The Flowers by Trina Paulus a young caterpillar named Yellow asks an older caterpillar, “How does one become a butterfly?”  He answers, “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”  “You mean to die?” asks Yellow, remembering the three who fell out of the sky.  “Yes and No,” he answers. “What looks like you will die but what’s really you will still live.  Life is changed, not taken away.  Isn’t that different from those who die without ever becoming butterflies?”
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So, I’m in the cocoon.  It’s dark in here and there is not much room to maneuver.  But if I try to come out too soon, or if someone else tries to ‘help’ me out too soon, my wings won’t work and I will never know what it is to fly.  My stillness may have been forced but the end result will be glorious if I simply trust the one who makes the cocoon, is also the one who breaks the cocoon open in his perfect timing so that a gorgeous butterfly can emerge. 
 
Are you waiting for something?  Are you being forced to stillness, forced to rest?  Don’t fight it.  Don’t even try to figure it out.  Be in it.  Let Him do His work in your life and heart.  Trust the process.  Trust Him.  I promise—it’s worth the wait…"Life is changed, not taken away."
 
 
 
 
 
Written by Anne Marie Hawke
June 2021
A special thank you to my friend Debbie, who gave me a copy of When The Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd right when I needed it most!
 
 
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