Raw Grief

“A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one’s birth.  It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.  Sorrow is better than laughter: for by sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.” (Ecclesiastes 7:1-3)
 
Raw Grief
 
You say you are concerned about me
I’d say I’m concerned about myself
I’m concerned I will always be empty
Like an unread book upon the shelf
 
I didn’t know Grief was so tangible
It has a form, a feel, a face
I didn’t know Death’s unyielding stare
Until Life brought me to this place
 
I can’t get better, so why do you ask?
I can only take Grief’s hand in mine
The life I had, who I am, what will be
It all changed when he suffered and died
 
It raised up all the other losses
They all walk with me upon this path
My heart is shattered, fragmented, broken
How am I? Do you really need to ask?
 
I’m adrift, I’m torn all apart inside
I’ve lost my bearings, I feel all alone
I ache, I bleed, and I try to function
Truthfully, I just want to go home
 
I want out of all the pain here
I want release from Sorrow’s weight
I want to rest in endless beauty
I want to behold Your glorious face
 
I want to cease this endless striving
I want to be restored, made whole
I want to never shed another tear
I want Your light to flood my soul
 
I want to hear You say my name
I want to be where Grief meets its end
I want to feel Your arms embrace me
My Love, my King, my Jesus, my Friend
 
For as long as You choose to keep me here
No matter what I must face or endure
Let Your steadfast love my comfort be
And in Your heart rest safe and secure
 
You are the hope I have and need
You are the path out of Grief’s domain
You are my anchor in this storm
You won’t let me drown in all this pain
 
Hear my cry even when it’s a whisper
Lift my head when all I see is earth
Hold me here in all this inner angst Lord
The day of my death
                    is truly better than the day of my birth…
 
 
 
 
We are truly bad at grief.  In her book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Divine says that grief is not a problem to be fixed, it’s an experience that needs support. (pg 199 paraphrase)  The loss of my brother Bill is not something you can fix.  He’s gone and he’s not coming back.  He died.  Nor can you fix the loss of my good friend Meg, or the sweet young  man who committed suicide who was like a son to me, nor my Mom’s death, nor my Dad’s, nor my friend Michaela’s death, or my friend Theresa, or my grandparents.  I carry them with me, those and others who have chosen to leave my life rather than watch the pain and beauty of me unfold and open up and find space. 
 
Grief is love.  If I hadn’t loved I would have no grief.  So my grief speaks of my heart, my hurt, and also of my hope.  The tangible hope and knowledge that if they were Christ’s, there will one day be a glorious reunion and an embrace that will be never ending, as we stand together in glory with our precious Jesus. 
 
So often we miss the grieving person’s heart while looking at our own.  Another person’s grief is NOT about you.  It is personal and as unique as our fingerprints.  It is a process and a passage.  I am not and cannot be who I was before my loss, so don’t expect me to be.  And please be patient, grief takes time, sometimes a lifetime.  None of us will escape grief, so perhaps we should learn how to support each other in it—not give platitudes and patches, but rather real, honest love and support.  If you don’t know what to say, just show up…be there, in person.  Hug them, bear the burden with the grieving person, even if it’s awkward and hard. 
 
I can’t even begin to tell you what it meant to me that my friend Carol R., after finding out about my brother, came to my office and just wrapped her arms around me and cried with me…I so needed that hug, her love and support were tangible…and I won’t ever forget what she did for me in that moment…just to know she didn’t dismiss my pain or turn from it but fully embraced it and me---priceless.
 
“Being brave—being a hero—is not about overcoming what hurts or turning it into a gift.  Being brave is about waking to face each day when you would rather just stop waking up. Being brave is staying present to your own heart when that heart is shattered into a million different pieces and can never be made right.  Being brave is standing at the edge of the abyss that just opened up in someone’s life and not turning away from it, not covering your discomfort with a pithy “think positive” emoticon.  Being brave is letting pain unfurl and take up all the space it needs.  Being brave is telling that story.” (pg 36-37 Divine) 
 
 
 
 
Written by Anne Marie Hawke
November 2021
 
 
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