“I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.” (John 17:26)
“So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us.”
“God does not need the Creation in order to have something to love because within Himself love happens.”
The heart of God is one of love, unfathomable love, and intimacy, epic intimacy. And because it is such, it is a love that lays itself down, it is a heart that gives elaborate freedom, knowing when true freedom is given there is the chance for rejection. God wants our hearts, but He will not take them by power or by knowledge because power and knowledge don’t qualify for heart. He wants us to choose Him, not because He demands it, or explains that His love is what is best for us, but because we see His heart of love towards us and respond in kind.
Years ago when I came upon the verse above in John 17:26 I felt something stir within my heart as I read it then, and I still do now. It was my deep longing for that kind of intimacy, for that kind of love. The love I had known was a selfish love, the kind of love that only loves you so long as you are useful. I spent most of my young life trying to get someone to love me: my parents, my siblings, my husband, my children, my friends. But I was broken, I couldn't love properly, and when I tried I just couldn’t do enough, be enough, give enough to make anyone stay and love me. Time and time again I was rejected. So when this verse found my eyes and then my heart it was as if my soul whispered, “Yes, I want that.”
For a long time I ran from His heart, I ran from the intimacy He offered because it was so foreign to what I had known, and what I had known had grown very comfortable. Real love and intimacy are things that cause trepidation in a heart like mine. I so wanted to believe, to feel, to know what it was like to truly be loved and accepted, yet I didn’t think I was worthy of it…so the thing I wanted most I kept pushing away, like a wounded animal who so needs compassion and care but lashes out in fear and pain when they are offered.
But God kept pursuing me, He kept wooing me when I didn’t deserve it, when I messed up, when I hurt others, when I hurt myself, He just kept coming after my heart. He just kept accepting me. He just kept loving me. He just kept finding me in the dark alleys of my wounded soul and bringing me back home to His heart and to His arms. And one day I just began to let Him in, I began to open my heart, I began to trust that He was good and could be trusted. And He came in like a flood.
I have never known this kind of love; a love that stays, a love that heals, a love that surrounds, a love that penetrates the deepest parts of my heart with the sure blade of intimacy. I am known. I am loved. I won’t ever be alone. I won’t ever be rejected. I am always welcome. I can tell Him anything. I can be wholly me. I am enough.
I’m not trying to get someone to love me anymore. He loves me…His heart is ever toward me…He won’t ever leave me… “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine…” (Song of Solomon 6:3)
I encourage you:
Let Him in.
The love you want, the intimacy you crave begins and ends in Him.
I came upon a waterfall rushing off the cliffs
I felt its spray brush against my skin
I sat upon the grassy edge of torrential splendor
Slipped my feet into the space within
I stood, my senses reeling from its might
I took a step toward the raging flow
I felt a sense of deep fear and wonder pulling
What could I lose if I trust and let go?
The span of all my life came before me
I stopped to get a clearer view
Always in the shallows somehow avoiding
The rush of water which now ensued
I heard a voice cascading from the heights
I leaned in, deciphering what it said
“How long will you stand there in trepidation?”
“How long will you live as though dead?”
“Step into the powerful flow of my love.”
“Step under the weight of my heart.”
“Stop trying to secure love from empty vessels
Who are ever ending before they start.”
My heart received the message given
I plunged myself beneath the mighty flow
The crashing water threatened to crush me
“Be still child, trust my heart, and let go.”
The weight of the water poured over me
Lifting off all my filth and shame
I felt love so deep and overwhelming
I knew I would never be the same….
My prayer for you taken from Ephesians 3:14-21,
“For this cause”---my want that they may know You, that they might come to ‘see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living,’ (Psalm 27:13) that they might lay down their burdens, their heartache, their pain, confusion, and the uncertainty of this world… “I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man; that Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ, which passes knowledge, that you might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.”
Written by Anne Marie Hawke
To subscribe to my blog or to find out more about my writing please visit my website at hawkewriter.com
qUIET IN CHAOS
Quiet in Chaos is a blog about nothing, everything, and all things inbetween…it’s a space, an ellipsis, a deep pause. Life can be chaotic, and often needs more moments of quiet…So join me as I share and give through the written word, the place I find my Quiet in Chaos…